Letting "Rock Bottom" Be A New Beginning

Using Loss & Adversity as a Vehicle for Empowerment

Stopping Negative Thought Patterns In Their Tracks

One of the most prominent tendencies of any individual faced with a tremendous loss or grief is to try to make sense of it, or rationalize why things have transpired in the manner that they have. This stems from our innate proclivity to strive for serenity and ultimately be at peace with the sequence of events in our lives as they transpire in an effort to maintain sound mental health. However, the paradox that exists is that this is not always possible in the shorter term. There are times when awful things happen, we lose loved ones and it is impossible to understand why in realtime. A failure to recognize this will undoubtedly lead to rumination and many of the same mental heath struggles that we set out to avoid in our quest to rationalize everything. This is where insight into the breadth of perspective needed to do so is critical to our ability to distinguish between accepting the reality of our situation, and making sense of it.

Short Term Acceptance Fosters Longer Term Narrative Building

Just as rumination triggered by an instant desire to understand why something has happened can lead to mental health struggles, so can a refusal to accept the awful reality with which we are sometimes faced. Eleven years ago today in the predawn hours of March 5, 2014, I sat with my father and clutched his hand as he uttered his last words before passing later that morning. It took all of the will that I could muster to be present in that moment, and detach myself from the self-absorbed war that incessantly raged in my mind. 

During those darkest days, the vast majority of my energy was spent trying to will some disparate reality into existence. Some alternate universe in which I hadn't drank away the past several years of my life and collected missed opportunities like baseball cards. Some distant world in which I did not spend half of my life in college only to graduate with a Maters Degree in being blacked out half of the time as my peers passed me by. Some foreign land where I faced life's challenges, accepted my elderly father's mortality, and thrived, instead of dissociating into an alcohol induced state of psychosis as part of a maladaptive attempt to freeze life.

Three weeks after we buried my father I went to court face my second OUI and the lengthy loss of driver's license that it would entail. It was during this time that I began to honestly reflect on the passage that my late father had typed out in a desperate attempt to stop me from expending energy on what could not be changed.

My Late Father Actually Typed This Out In A desperate Plea to End My Rumination Over the Past And Allow Me to Focus on My Future. The Rest is History and Eleven Years Later It Remains Framed in My Office

Slowly but surely, I stopped obsessing over how much more time I could have spent with him had I been sober and more mindful. I was able to stop tormenting myself over where I could be in life if I had done things differently. And I was able to start focusing on how I could grow from this experience and keep my promise to him to remain sober. I was able to start looking ahead to what new opportunities could present themselves if I dedicated myself to stop looking in the past, and to start making more sound decisions on a daily basis. Once I was able to accept my reality and stop expending so much energy on trying to do the impossible in changing the past, I was able to slowly gain the breadth of perspective that I needed to make sense of it. Making sense of our rock bottom, or the loss of a loved one is akin to trying to navigate your way out of the Amazon rain forest; its virtually impossible in the moment. However, with the passage of time comes the benefit of perspective that is metaphorically similar to viewing said rain forest from an aerial view after the fact, when the pathway out is obvious. 

There is nothing on this earth that my father could have done to get me to stop drinking because he did just about everything that he could. When faced with the reality that I had deprived him of that while sabotaging my own life at varying levels of consciousness,  I wanted to die. However, given that I wasn't suicidal, my only other option was to pen my own narrative and make sense of it all. See, the funny thing about the adversity faced when we reach our rock bottom and/or lose someone close to us is that is represents a unique opportunity for empowerment. In other words, you have a chance to shock the fu(king world because as long as you still have air in your lungs, you have the immense power of writing one hell of a compelling script for the rest of your life.

Reframing Reality to Fit Your Narrative

I am convinced that the only thing on this earth that could have compelled me to stop drinking is the loss of my father. While that may seem morbidly cruel when considered through one lens, I ultimately came to perceive it as the most beautiful and defining realities that this earth has had to offer me.

 Many of the same internal demons that drove me drink had also convinced me that I would never have a family of my own. This wasn't up for debate in my mind. It was presumed as fact and although I accepted it as my fate, I was never truly at peace with it, which undoubtedly played into the complex comorbidities of disassociation and psychosis that fueled my dual diagnosis. There were a plethora of eventualities about the future that I simply did not want to face and this potentially lonely, meager existence following the loss of my parents was one of them. In fact, my disease and aversion to reality had grown so pronounced that I even continued to drink after a near death experience attributable to alcohol, despite the hell this put my father and all of my loved ones through. But much to the surprise of everyone around me, the death of my father changed all of that.

I can't blame anyone for thinking I'd decline into oblivion after I lost my father, after all, I had never given anyone a reason to think otherwise. But be that as it may, I committed to and maintained my sobriety after the loss of my father. This was by no means an instant panacea; life was still hell for a couple of years. It doesn't get better over night, and in fact it initially gets worse, which is why it is imperative to commit to and trust the process. Removal of alcohol, or drugs allows one to get an unfiltered view of rock-bottom and all of the carnage that it entails, which is going to trigger a lot of negative emotions in the early going. While initially unpleasant, feeling and processing these emotions is the only way to begin the journey of healing and learning to navigate life in a more adaptive manner. Viewing life through a more heightened sense of consciousness allows for the immense personal inventory that permits us to understand the gravity of these long-neglected issues and what needs to be done to make life more palatable over the longer term. This is the work that gradually affords us the breadth of perspective over time to view the course of our lives from a different vantage point, and through a different lens in an alternate context. The culmination of this work for me is a far more palatable narrative than the one I was faced with eleven years ago.

Today I am able to accept what was an absolutely intolerable reality just over a decade ago because of the narrative that I have authored since that time. As a result of my unwavering commitment to remain sober and face life's challenges with a heightened level of consciousness, I have willed  into existence the reality that the loss of my father empowered me to confront my demons and ultimately have a family of my own. 

It is by no means easy and there are difficult challenges that I must navigate daily. However, with sobriety it is possible because I am at peace with my past and achieved serenity. Considering all of this when looking back, I understand and accept why I lost my father at my lowest point, and why he will never meet his daughter-in-law, his grandchildren or the very best version of his son. I probably cry contemplating this on a monthly basis, but that's okay. This is how it was supposed to happen. I am fine with it and I'm sure he is, too.

In conclusion, we all reach low points in our lives, including struggles with addiction, the loss of loved ones, or any type of overwhelming adversity. The key is to dig deep and resist the urge to perseverate over what cannot be controlled in the immediate aftermath. Instead, prioritize delayed gratification over instant gratification by looking ahead, shaping the narrative by which you would like to be defined and trusting that it will all make sense in the end. It is this process that ensures that we are defined not by the adversity that we face, but rather the manner in which we respond to said adversity. And always remember that you are so immensely powerful and are presented with a unique opportunity to shock the fu(king world-